Bilbos Misadventures: Dale Marketplace
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: Thorin takes Bilbo with him to the market, Bilbo gets into trouble and Thorin has to deal with it. Both are put in an awkward position towards the end when Fili and Kili show up to see strangeness going on!


Bilbo had accompanied Thorin to the Dale marketplace. The streets were bustling with activity, and little Bilbo had to be extra careful not to get pushed or stepped on. Thorin stopped at a fur traders stall, he thought it smart to purchase the fur before winter set in, making the price higher. Bilbo began touching and playing lightly with the different animal furs hanging about. Thorin was busy talking with the fur trader, paying the hobbit no mind.

Bilbo started playing with a smaller sized wolf pelt, taking the head of the animal and putting it like a hood over Bilbos own. The legs were cut so that a very slender armed person could slither through, to give the affect of looking like your arms were wolf legs. Bilbo thought it'd be fun to slip his arms in and go over to try and spook Thorin.

The hobbit now was wearing this wolf fur, making it look like he was the now deceased creature. Bilbo crept over towards the busily talking Thorin and stood closely behind the dwarf. He held back the giggles he so badly wanted to let loose, took his 'paw' and tapped the dwarf kings shoulder.

Thorins head turned and did a double take. His faced frowned and his eyes furrowed.

"Damn it Bilbo! Quit playing around and take that silly thing off!" He demanded, feeling annoyed with the hobbits sense of humor.

"It was just a joke, Thorin." Bilbo chuckled at his companions irritated mood. He went to slip the arms down and off him, but the pelt would not flinch. He tugged harder and harder but didn't want to tear the thing!

"Thorin? I think I'm stuck!" Bilbo confided to his friend.

"Stop your nonsense! You just like embarrassing me, don't you, Bilbo?" Thorin accused, beginning to tug at the accursed fur.

"It is rather fun, but this time I'm being serious!" Bilbo spoke, his body being tugged back and forth by the aggressive pulling Thorin was doing.

-0-0-

Unable to take the wolf pelt off the jokester hobbit, Thorin found himself walking the market with a Bilbo in wolfs clothing. Thorin would have gone straight home, but there were still tasks needed done in the market.

The dwarf king refused to speak or look at his embarrassing company, but when they entered the pottery stall, Thorin warned Bilbo.

"None of your foolishness in here, or so help me Bilbo! I will bend you over my knee and spank you in public if you choose to act childish, you will be treated like a misbehaving child!" The dwarf king gave his most serious look towards Bilbo, then headed over to speak with the owner.

"Spank me indeed!" Bilbo muttered, walking around the pots, his wolf tail swaying back and forth with each step. One pot got tipped over by his tail, making Bilbo hurriedly stand it back up, seeing no crack.

Thorin had not heard, for no glare came the hobbits way. He walked more carefully around the pottery stall, finding a giant pot the same size as Bilbo.

"Why don't you take a look around." Bilbo heard the shop owner tell Thorin.

Hmmm. An idea came to Bilbo, and damn Thorins warning! Bilbo was just trying to bring a little fun to the dwarfs life.

Quickly and quietly Bilbo slunk into the pot, pulling in his wolf tail so that he'd be completely hidden. He listened as footsteps got closer to his hiding spot.

"A very large pot." Thorin commented, letting Bilbo know his chance had come!

He quickly popped out and frightened the dwarf and shop keeper. In Thorins fright his fist had went out on instinct and made contact with Bilbos face. It had enough force that the hobbit was thrown backwards, tipping the pot with him inside it, shattering the pot.

"By Smaugs fiery arse hole!" Thorin cursed, lifting the hobbit up one handed and shaking him, the wolf pelts head flopping back and showing the hobbits bruised face.

Thorin stopped his actions, looking closely at the damaged face of Bilbo and suddenly let out a laugh. He was laughing hard enough that tears were almost slipping out his eyes.

"My face, I think you've broken it!" The hurt and still shaken up Bilbo whined.

Thorin let go of his hold on Bilbo, turned to the pottery stall owner and payed for the broken item.

"Hobbits, can't take them anywhere." Thorin explained, gripping the upper arm of Bilbo and dragging him out of the place.

"I can't believe you hit me!" Bilbo loudly complained, Thorin looking over at his friend and chuckling at the black eye that was forming.

"Know better than to surprise a dwarf, your face will thank you." The king smugly spoke.

"We have one last visit to make, then we can leave. Try not to get in any more trouble." Thorin said, leading the lightly beaten hobbit towards a fruit stand.

Bilbo stood back a little, letting the dwarf king get on with his business. His eyes wandered the walls that most of the stalls were against. His eyes caught sight of a hole. He walked over and examined the hobbit sized hole in the wall, looking in and noticing something shiny inside. Without thinking it through, the hobbit pushed his upper body in the hole, his rear end sticking out for public view. His little hands stretched and reached till he finally gripped the shiny item. Still in the hole, he brought the item up to his face and found it was nothing more than a leather collar with a metal ring in the middle.

Well, that was not worth his time, he made to pull back and out of his hole. He pulled and wiggled but found his upper half stuck!

"Thorin!" His voice echoed off the walls in his stone hole.

His rump wiggled and shook, his wolf tail going back and forth madly. Thorin came upon his companion rudely shaking his ass back and forth.

"Alright Bilbo, that's enough." He spoke, his words seeming to reach deaf ears, for the butt of master Baggins just shook harder, faster. Thorin could hear muffled grunts and groans from Bilbo.

"That's just sick Bilbo. No one wants to see your arse flopping around. Now stop your actions or I swear I will spank you in public like the naughty hobbit you are."

No good, bilbo was really stuck and Thorin couldn't hear him! He kept pulling back, but nothing seemed to be working!

*Smack*

"Ahhh!" Bilbo wailed, feeling a sharp pain against his rear. It felt like a thousand needles digging into his rump, how it stung!

*Smack*

He felt it again! His hairy feet tried kicking out at whatever was harming him, only to feel rough hands grip his legs.

Thorin had only swatted his hobbit twice and the other was kicking at him. The dwarf gripped the legs of Bilbo, halting their movements.

"Thorin?!" The king heard his name muffled from the hobbit. Why was his voice so hard to hear? Thorin looked closer and took notice of Bilbos upper body inside a hole within the wall.

"Trouble! That's all you seem to bring!" He grumbled, taking his hands and placing them above the hobbits hips. Thorin then began pulling Bilbo towards him, trying to free his overly curious friend.

-0-0-

Fili and Kili had been enjoying the market when they noticed their uncle! It was strange though, he seemed to be talking to a wolfs rear end...then he started spanking the wolf rump! What by Durin was going on?

They huddled forward and found uncle...he appeared to be asserting his dominance over the wolf.

"Uncle?" Fili called.

"Not now, I'm busy!" Thorin growled, pulling harder on the wolfs hips and thrusting unbecomingly.

"But uncle, what do you gain by humping that stuck and defenseless creature?" Kili questioned, concerned.

"Not very sporting either, the thing can't even bite you for it, just has to sit there and take it." Fili felt sympathetic towards the creature.

"Besides, what are the people of Dale to think? Seeing you mounting up a damn dirty wolf?" Kili voiced his concern.

Thorin realized then that the nephews had no idea that he was helping Bilbo. It probably looked very inappropriate and strange to them. All because Bilbo had to get stuck in that blasted wolf pelt and now he was stuck again in this hole! Thorin would think twice before taking the hobbit again to the market!

With a loud pop, Bilbo was released from his prison and fell into Thorins lap.

"Bilbo?" Both Fili and Kili questioned, noticing the hobbit was wearing a wolf pelt and his face was rather bruised.

"Well Uncle, at least it was only Bilbo and not a real wolf you were straddling!" Fili spoke, less worried about Thorins mental state.

"Yeah, the people of Dale have nothing to worry about anymore." Kili concluded.

The two brothers waved and were off, leaving the dwarf king mildly flushed from embarrassment. Bilbo looked up at the king, still sitting in his lap on the ground.

"Did they think you were poking a wolf that whole time?" Bilbo asked.

"It would seem so, master Baggins. Though such and idea is outrageous!" Thorin shook his head at the thought.

"I don't know, you do come off like the dominating type." Bilbo smirked.

"That may be true, but a wolf? I'd never do such an act!"

"What surprised me was how well your nephews took the fact that it was me. Is it normal for dwarfs to mount hobbits?" Bilbo stared questioningly at Thorin.

Thorin coughed and turned his gaze away from Bilbo. He roughly pushed the hobbit off and got to his feet.

"Come along master Baggins, time to go home."

The two walked in silence as they left the market and headed towards the Lonely Mountain.

"You never answered my question, Thorin." Bilbo suddenly stated.

The dwarf king reached out and lightly punched Bilbo in the arm, never saying a word.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.


End file.
